I was not taught healthy boundaries as a child. Were you? The absence of this skill can cause all sorts of havoc in our lives—in our relationships, our health, our peace of mind, and literally every area of life. So I’ve been practicing setting healthy boundaries for some time now, and one of my favorite quotes always shows up when I contemplate things: “How I do anything is how I do everything.” I could feel how off I felt if I said yes when I really meant no.
This past week I set a boundary that I’ve long needed to set. When I finally said no out loud, I could feel a ding in my gut that resounded with a clear, unmistakable yes: “This feels right. This feels good. Nothing more needed. This no is necessary.”
When I ignore my body’s cues in any area, I pay for it in every way–physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. We can’t be in integrity in one area and out of integrity in another. Whole body healing doesn’t work that way.
With the week before Christmas here, and all the pressure that comes with it, now is the perfect time to get clear on what your yes’s and no’s actually feel like in your body. In Human Design, this is called your authority, the way your body speaks truth to you before your mind has time to talk you out of it.
Here’s what I’m working with this week.
Mind
“Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others.” ~Brené Brown
I can literally feel how much clearer my thinking is when I listen to my body’s cues. When I say yes but mean no, my mind can fill up with resentment, excuses, and doubt. The minute I set a boundary, this boundary, confusion stopped. My mind felt clear again. Very clear.
If we don’t set limits, some people won’t either. It’s not their job to guess what we need—it’s ours to say it. That’s why boundaries are healthy and necessary. They protect what’s ours to protect: our energy, our peace, our ability to show up empowered, clear, and strong.
Boundaries aren’t selfish, as many of us have been taught. They’re maturity and clarity– and maturity and clarity start with listening to what our body knows is best for us. We can’t give what we don’t have. We can’t pour from any empty cup.
Body
My body tells me the truth. Yours tells you, too. For me, my throat tightens and my gut sort of recoils when I ignore my no and say yes instead. A heaviness takes over when I give more than I’m capable of giving.
“In order to change, people need to become aware of their sensations and the way that their bodies interact with the world around them.” ~Bessel van der Kolk
This week I felt that deep, super clear gut-level yes rise up–my sacral authority saying “enough.” I heeded its communication. I spoke my truth, and it’s crazy how fast the tide of relief came to me. I could literally feel my body sigh.
Boundaries aren’t just mental decisions, as some would have us believe. They’re actually more physical than mental. Our body knows when we’re out of alignment, and it will keep sending us signals until we pay attention. Ignoring these signals doesn’t affect just how we feel physically, they create a ripple effect of mental confusion and spiritual disconnection.
This is holistic health in its finest expression: Our body speaks to us and we actually listen.
Spirit
Setting this boundary reminded me that taking care of me isn’t selfish. It’s healthy. Vital. Necessary. When I give more than I can give, when I allow others to drain me, I lose touch with myself and what I need. How can I be my best self, how can I bring forth my highest expression of self, if I allow others to take from me what I’m not capable of giving? Boundaries help us notice when we’re giving more than we can.
“You do not have to be good. You do not have to walk on your knees for a hundred miles through the desert, repenting. You only have to let the soft animal of your body love what it loves.” ~Mary Oliver
Creating healthy boundaries that feel good to me honors what feels best and right for me.
Boundaries are an act of self-love. Boundaries are spiritual practice in action.
I’ll keep practicing this. You keep practicing too. We’re learning together.
